Chlorine Sky

By Mahogany L. Browne

"An absolute masterpiece." -Elizabeth Acevedo, New York Times bestselling author of The Poet X

From the first ever poet-in-residence at Lincoln Center comes a bold coming-of-age story told in verse about a young woman who loses a best friend, but finds herself in the process. The joys of basketball, the tumult of high school, and the bonds of family are lyrically woven together in this must-read novel.

With Lay Li I don’t have to think too hard
I’m the friend of the star
& I don’t mind, not at all
It gives me time to think about my dreams & the WNBA
But when I call Lay Li & she don’t pick up
A pit in my stomach grows like a redwood tree

Sky is used to standing in the shadow of her best friend. Lay Li is the sun everyone orbits around. But since high school started, Lay Li has begun attracting the attention of boys, and Sky is left out in the cold. The only place Sky can find her footing is on the basketball court. With each dribble of the ball, Sky begins to find her own rhythm. Lay Li may always be the sun, but that doesn’t mean Sky can’t shine on her own.

With gritty and heartbreaking honesty, a critically acclaimed poet, delivers her first novel in verse about broken promises, fast rumors, and learning to generate your own light.

“A story about heart and backbone, and one only Mahogany L. Browne could bring forth.” –Jason Reynolds, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Long Way Down

Me & Lay Li ain’t talking

cause she think she cute

cause she think I ain’t.

Must be pretty boy Curtis

all in her head

all in her mouth

making her forget

her home training.

Making her forget

her daddy got a gun for a living.

& her mama gone.

& this is why I think

she ain’t got no sense, nohow.

Cause ain’t nobody but fast girls

checking for Curtis.

& he keep her name close

& she don’t come home

the same way no more.

She must think she cute!

Must think I ain’t!

Like she ZendayaSkaiStormMeganNickiBeyoncé or something

Like she long curly hair movie star perfect

Like she perfect pink nail salon pop queen perfect

Like she all new Macy’s rack & Adidas shell toe perfect

Like she glossy magazine cover most beautiful girl perfect

Like she ain’t never had a bad day in the sun perfect

Like she ain’t never had a bad picture kind of perfect

Like she got a life don’t nobody judge cause she’s so perfect

I mean,

look how she keep me waiting like

I’m supposed to wait on Curtis

or something

& I hate his light-skinned self!

Especially because he ain’t as funny

as he think.

Especially when he calls me black

& ugly & stupid!

& Lay Li stay grinning

like he the sun

like we ain’t friends

they boyfriends see Lay Li

It’s like they see the best parts of they favorite movie

& they favorite movie got they favorite soundtrack

& they favorite soundtrack make them feel strong

& they swing they arms around & show off to whoever is looking

I mean, sometimes I get caught looking but I ain’t got n o t h i n g to say

Not Lay Li

She act like she never lookin’

She must think she cute

But she ain’t just cute

Lay Li pretty

& they boyfriends at the skate rink

forget they home training around her.

So when Curtis say the things

I’ve already said about myself

& she laugh

I know deep down inside

she ain’t never care about me at all.

Lay Li the sun

& she called me best friend

Called me smart

Called me her ace

Called me her right-hand sis

Lay Li called me my name

Ain’t never call me nothing but my name

When everyone else call me nothing

She say best friend--like sis-patna-friend & she laugh bright bright

Because Lay Li the sun

now I know she just said them lies

to keep my shadow

all up & around her sunshine smile

Like that time we skipped school

for the pool party

& all the girls wear bikinis

but I got my one-piece on

with a white T-shirt on top.

& the boys just looking

like they mama ain’t taught them nothing worth knowing.

Lay Li got that good hair

so she don’t care if it’s wet & loose.

But my hair ain’t close to being good

so I keep it in a real real real tight ponytail

until the sun get so hot

I jump in & cool my sadness down.

It’s like I already know.

So I let my shoulders sink low

like my heart be

& I watch Lay Li

how she walks & everybody stops

& I’m trying to learn

how to walk in a room & turn their heads

how to move in a crowd & be the light

how to keep a boy’s interest

but not just any boy

a boy who remembers my name

maybe a cute one with long eyelashes

& gentle hands

the kind of hands that keep to themselves

how to keep my sister, Essa, from talking bad to me

my older sister tell you “don’t mess up my name,”

she go so far to move her mouth & show her perfect white teeth

it’s “EEEEEE-SaaHHHH like mantra, like a prayer”

how to move through the world

standing tall & demanding to be named properly

how to be more than a baller

how to be someone that keep ’em guessing

how to stop stressing because ain’t nobody

got time for the kind of shade I got

but everybody got time for some

s u n

Lay Li smile at Curtis

& he only a little bit cute

but he ain’t funny or smart

so that’s how I know her grin is a lie.

& I pretend I don’t hear his slur

I pretend I don’t see his hazel eyes

when he say “lose her ugly black ass”

& Lay Li laugh.

Laugh like a knife in the back or laugh hysterical like the girl running from the scary man in a hockey mask or laugh like kids being followed around the mall by security or laugh like I do when my sister, Essa, makes me the butt of the joke. See I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh &

she say “Shut up, Curtis”

but it sounds like “Come here.”

I dunk my head underwater slow

& wait

just wait

I wait even longer

for her to say a n y t h i n g like:

“don’t talk about my friend, I don’t care how pretty your eyes is!”

But she just say “shut up”

& she l a u g h

the kind of laugh that make me forget

we even friends

the kind of laugh that make me forget

we even

& I think

I could stay here

where it’s all a blurry aqua blue,

I think

I could stay here

where my eyes

don’t hurt as much

& it don’t feel

like I’ve been looking at the sun

all day l o n g.

Okay, so boom. This is how Lay Li & I met.

At the end of summer, when we ready to head into the first semester of freshman year, I got a problem

with the boys who keep slapping the water. Tyrone & Adam slap the water at me

when I swim by them. Because everybody knows I’m better than them on the basketball court.

Still, I keep calm. I play cool. I see a girl at the edge of the pool. Red swimsuit & long wavy ponytail.

Her right eyebrow lifted skylike: She ready for the joke. But she ain’t laughing.

The boys slap the water. I swim under the current. I head to her side of the pool.

& so do they. They slap the water but her mouth ain’t like mine. It ain’t closed

lock-like & tight, until I’m on the court with a nasty dribble. It ain’t safety pin safe

like my grandmother taught me. Her mouth curse them until their eyes water. Her lips

curl & she cross both her arms “& you betta not do it again!” They laugh

& she don’t. This girl I never seen before got a name: Lay Li.

I wipe my eyes, stinging from the blue water. “Thank you,” I say, pretending it don’t burn.

Two years later & Lay Li bathing suit

Is way better than mine

I hate my royal blue one-piece

It’s a hand-me-down

It’s ugly

I rather wear my basketball shorts

but they’re the only pair I got

keep dry when I walk home

Everybody who know somebody

will skip class for the pool party

& everybody will have a cute bathing suit on:

Strawberry red

or bright yellow

or periwinkle blue

or one of those two-pieces with candy cane stripes

But not me

I put a T-shirt on top

& try to hide

this ugly-ass basic blue swimsuit

Mines is long in the crotch

so long the water drains slowly down my leg

after I climb out the deep end.

I put a T-shirt on top

& try to hide the history

of where my people from

the ones that got a pit bull with a chain around its neck & smoke clouds everywhere

I put a T-shirt on top

& try to hide where I come from

the kind of folks that park on the lawn & clean they car

with the Gap Band blasting out the door speakers

I put a T-shirt on top

& hope no one asks where my dad works.

Where my dad is?

Why my sister, Essa, & I always fight on the lawn?

I just want to swim

in the teal green sorta blue bubble

& forget all the things that make me different

for a little while.

Basketball Drills #1

both hands grip the orange world

ridges in black talk back to my fingertips

James

Bird

Bryant

Catchings

Jordan

Leslie

Curry

Hammon

Jackson

Iverson

Johnson

For every letter of their name

I plant my feet aim & shoot

if I flick my left wrist perfectly

I’ll soar like the greats.

After my drills

Lay Li & I both sit in the shade

on the front lawn of the neighborhood candy house

Miss Irene got white hair & a permanent scowl

She got white hair, a little white lapdog & wear a dusty muumuu

She smokes cigarettes, the white stick hanging from the cliff of her lip

Like a daredevil

Miss Irene say she ain’t got time for us kids

& don’t let nobody curse on her front yard

But she got a Costco card & charge pennies on the dollar

for our favorite sweets

We get a dollar worth of candy in a plastic sandwich bag

that we share

After my basketball drills, I walk around the barbed gate

of the neighborhood pool

I climb into the blue green water and float for days

Really I only got an hour before the pool closes

But I don’t care when I’m floating

It lets me think

My eyes closed or searching the sky for animal figures

Ice cream cones & airplanes that skip across the blue blue up

The aqua water carry my arms & legs

A body of girl & whoosh

When I’m too tired to move my calves & arms

I climb out the water & feel less rubber band

& more light light

Most days the water burns everything

my nose & eyes & even my hair is too dry

but I feel clean

I feel more me than when I arrived

Lay Li meets me after the pool

She ain’t get in the pool but she still wears

her tube top bikini, a towel draped around her shoulder

like a comma.

She bites at her cuticles & I already know

It’s been almost two years since silly boys slapped water in the pool

Now the boys are gone & it’s just me doing floating like a log

while Mommy & Me classes happen in the shallow end

my muscles hurt after playing Horse alone

A girl on the basketball court ain’t no different

than any other baller, if you work hard enough

that’s what my cousin Inga say

She the first one to teach me to hold the globe with both hands

to use my right hand to guide the ball.

Finally out of the pool

I can see the harsh water peels my skin

I don’t have any cocoa butter on me

So I pull my legs up, crisscross-applesauce

& focus on Lay Li.

When she bites her nails it’s not because she’s nervous

More like anxious and angry

& always it’s about her mama

“So what happened?” I ask

& she frowns at her hands

Then covers her face from the dipping sun

She shrugs

& instantly I feel bad

I know what it feels like to have

Too much to say

So much you can’t speak

I make noise when I’m nosy

I slap the mosquitoes gnawing at my legs

It’s been a year since we last talked

about her mama but that’s the only

thing that bothers her enough

to bite-ruin her perfect nails

But Lay Li don’t sweat it

she don’t swing at the mosquitoes

she don’t even miss a beat.

“That woman been gone so long

I can barely remember what she looks like.”

I can’t imagine

what it’s like to forget my mother’s face

I sit quiet & wait for her story to unfold

My mama still on drugs

& my daddy ain’t got time for all that

He don’t want us girls to see her like that

He says every child deserve to be the sun

To know they come from the sun

& if the sun snuff itself to dusk before its time

& no shine is left to see

Let it be

One day we woke up & she was already

a cloudy shadow of herself

Then one day we woke up & she was

gone

She only come home when she clean

She only call home when she sorta sober

She ain’t never remembered my birthday

or my sisters’ birthday & I’m like whatever.

When you live where we live

You say what it is & if you can’t say what it is

Or if it hurt too much

Or maybe it’s too confusing

You just say “whatever.”

That way you ain’t no lie

Don’t nobody Want to Call It

Especially when it got more faces than any solitary name

but if I’m honest

I want to know if Lay Li seen the zombies too

The ones who take over my uncles’ bodies

after weeks of playing ghost

only to return him to our front door

with his clothes all crumpled

& eyes brimming red

Lay Li is the only one I can talk to about

The smell of hot ash & burned glass

“You know what it looks like.”

She stands up from the grass

swinging her dry striped towel in the air

“It looks like the walking dead.”

On the way to my house

I need to rinse the chlorine off my skin

I need to remember who I am

Lay Li say, “Where’s your cocoa butter?”

& I know she wants to call me ashy.

When I walk through the front door

I’m surprised no one is home

I turn on the television & tell Lay Li I’ll be right back

Right out the blue Lay Li calls to me already running up the stairs

“I’m just tired of crying

over someone

that’s been gone so long.”

Lay Li laughs

like the joke’s on everybody but her

Lay Li

squints into the mirror & pouts

Lay Li

applies more lipstick than a little

Lay Li

takes my lip gloss as backup just in case

Lay Li say

“It’s so boring here. Let’s call Shawn.”

I laugh like the joke is on Shawn

He’s her old crush & first real boyfriend

Since her mama left the house

But then I realized she just called my house boring

& now my feelings are hurt.

Lay Li say

“Don’t be like that. I ain’t mean nothing by it.”

Lay Li

pull my ponytail a little

Lay Li

is forgiven

again.

I move

her hand & brush at my hair

I mimic the mirror

Reach to take back my lip gloss

& my pride

from Lay Li’s hands

It’s the inexpensive kind from the neighborhood CVS

She pretends she’s gonna keep it

like a child & its pacifier

her arms swing above both of our heads

helicopter style

Out of my reach

She is pleased with herself

& giggling to my hands

waving in the air

fire the roof is on fire

but it ain’t

& I don’t crack a smile

This makes her laugh even harder

All her teeth showing

All my steam moving like a cloud when I cut my eyes

She sighs

rolls her eyes

then tosses it to me before she grabs the phone

& dials with one last perfect pink nail

same color as Essa’s (I think)

But I don’t say anything

Just pucker my lips as

she watches me with boring eyes apply the sheen

Like an impostor.